Flickering Heart Comes Back

There are times in my life I am silently wishing I haven't felt this deep connection with you. The first time I saw you I am confident with myself enough that I can only see you as my friend, nothing more or less. I had this heart of being open with my secrets and some of which I haven't told anyone. Trusting someone else easily is one of my weakness as I admit, I just don't see it clearly that there can be dangerous effects of giving a part of yourself to be known by someone else, even my problems. So I'd rather hide most of my deep rooted problems to myself, alone in my misery and agony as I consciously built up my military operated heart and told the soldiers of my heart to keep away from all kinds of love especially to the one that can hurt my very vulnerable heart. Focusing to the things that mentally and futuristically solely matters to me. I had my visions backed up with my eager perseverance to achieve good things. But it all changes when that person met my heart with being mistaken as a just a friend. He laughed in my weird thinking, my dreams were shared and my anxieties were slowly revealed. Not letting me know that I was baring my soul naked before him. Those things were not the usual voices I share out in the open. The secrets were spilled, and I really found myself slowly wanting the company of his presence, having to admit that I have now unlocked the doors to my heart again. This was me saying that I have failed to protect my heart. I tried to stay away but I only end up failing. He shown me kindness and had introduced me that there is still chivalry left in this world. Those actions of yours made my heart beat twice at the same time and made me think, am I falling in love with you? Or am I only being selfish since I may like him, yes but only because I needed someone who will protect and care for me. And those are the things he has shown me. But the truth is, I still don't have any love to give. Neither I love myself enough nor the people around me. I still don't feel comfortable being alone with myself. I guess I don't enjoy my own company, so how would I love other people back? I still have to let myself grow and be away from this place where I am right now, I have to find myself and know what I am capable of. What I only know right now is that you have struck my heart like a lightning. I let myself be shown while it's raining hard outside. Not thinking that even though I am confident enough that I won't get into an accident, there is still a chance of being struck. I need to gain back control over my heart, my life, and to love deeply to that special person who loves me more than I love him. I guess I couldn't guard my heart enough no matter what structure of wall I built up around it, no matter how high and thick it is. I won't let myself be a victim again.. but in the end, I know no matter what effort I make I'll end up in this flickering beat of my heart again.