A Puerto Princesa Paradise

I am being swerved as I wait in this high elevation to lower and eventually fall in it's right place. This was me in an airplane for the very first time. I am caught of trying to be in awe in the vast sea of clouds against trying to calm down and act like this is nothing but like im only in one of my random travels. We are going back to my homeland, to the place I grew up and went everywhere across the points of walls not going anywhere outside the place called Manila. It's time for me to break free and feel the oceans waves across the different places. I wanted to create my own journey, where I would learn and love the new ones. Traveling is one of my dreams to conquer, places I would have never imagined and yet in my hands reach. The surreal collection of the paradise I once been at becomes vivid in my head. Randomly thinking the best moments and replaying it in my mind and in my heart the burst of my emotion when I was once frightened by the black fishes in the island of Palawan known as Honda bay. They swam briskly as if trying to capture me with their small but strong fins. The ocean doesn't want to keep still and I am enjoying the taste of the underwater saltness up to the point of feeling full after drinking the salt sea water. The googles helped me cleared my eyes away from redness but the sun directly watches over me that it hurts for him overprotecting me but i myself wanted to stay away but I just couldn't, i just embraced it instead.

Reminiscing is now a part of my everyday encounter after a few days of my precious encounter in the beautiful sights in the garden of Palawan. I was captured by their fondness love for their land, the locals are heart warmingly welcoming me as I enter in their mainland. 

As I turn away, I will always look back to the wonderful memories Palawan has created in my life. This things I will always feel accomplished, not because of what the things I do and don't have but because of the experience that will last in my lifetime..

Beautiful Heart

So here I am, feeling the sparks of love firing my heart totally unbeatable by my mind's comprehension. Why am I battling to a fight where I can't seen to think that I have a slight chance of winning? Will there ever be a peace in my heart after all of this. Yes, I have already said it before that he had struck my heart after he has shown me all kinds of kindness. Am I only waiting in vain for him to tell it to me properly on how he really feels about me.

It was a bright day for me to finish my job while he and my other co workers are going to receive our endorsement of our 5 patients lying in bed. I suddenly blurted out loud that I needed to stay longer for work and suddenly a low pitched voice awakens my soul asking why. I explained myself that I am so eager to finish all the requirements needed like a certificate of employment that needs to be signed. And here he was told me if I wanted him to do it instead. I agreed with him doing a favor for me and said thank you for being grateful. It was the start of our beautiful conversations that made me really happy. We both shared our dreams, fears and the twist in our lives. I can feel the glow in my eyes whenever I see him even though I wanted to stop so I won't get caught. I invited him if he wanted to go with me as we make our dreams come true-- to work abroad as a successful nurse. He then agreed so I invited him to go process our papers. That day come, I was so eager to make myself prettier than ever. I plucked and cleaned my eyebrows, had some exercise done to flatten my stomach and a pedicure to groom my non growing nails. It was then when I saw him again that I felt he looked at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't know what's in his eyes that charms and mesmerizes me a lot.

Our conversation continued as we talked about our past, the days when we were still a student. I even forgot the school he went which he mentioned to me a long time ago. I was so eager to know him more. He accompanied me to the things I needed to do and so am I to him. We walked along the roads of university belt along with the other college students looking for a perfect place to eat. I was waiting for him to decide on which place, he gave me an idea he wanted to eat rice and so we did. I never knew what to eat- maybe except for chicken, which I didn't choose after all. He paid for my dinner and I don't know if I would consider this as a date, which I still did without him knowing. He shown me his graduation photo as what we've talked about before meeting each other. I laughed in his awkward poses of his innocent look of his childhood. The laughter we've had is unbeatable happiness I've felt, I guess this was my first conversation after all with a decent and mature man who would look at me in my face when we eat and open his whole heart to me. 

He walked me until the train because of some of his errands and this was the last time we talked, the time when he bid goodbye and said take care. I still have some work to do and didn't hear anything from him anymore until this day. Sadness slowly creeps into my heart, and I am becoming weary and tired of waiting. Thinking if there's still a chance he would tell me how he really feels or am I the only one dreaming that we could be together despite of the fact that reality didn't match us that well because of our shortcomings. Until when should I wait and see if he'll be honest enough to admit that I wasn't the only one who felt the way I did. This beautiful heart of mine now becomes the agony waiting to be buried in the graveyard along with the dreams of being pursued, cherished and loved. The stolen heart of mine is yet to be caught, maybe not anymore. This heart of mine which I treasured long enough has just been broken and left alone, my beautiful heart no more.. 

It's time for HAAD!

Good morning world! I'm feeling this would be a great day for me. I woke up around 9 am and I still haven't taken my breakfast yet, maybe it's because I'm kinda starving myself to have a flatter abs. Lol! But I'll be eating soon after I post this blog. 

The truth is I have been waiting for this day where I'll be totally prepared for my HAAD application. I've been to Human Resource Department in Kapitolyo, Antipolo as soon as I finished my contract and to be able to request for a Certificate of Employment with no fear of being disappointed anymore. Since I had my well deserved certificate, I proceeded immediately to a known service agency that processes Dataflow and HAAD application. Soon as I got there, I paid for there service fee eventhough I'm still lacking some of the important documents like PRC Certificate of Good Moral Standing and Certificate of Employment of specific hospitals I've been. 

Now is the 31st day of the month and after counting 31 days, I've successfully completed all the requirements and most especially the financial one, since this would cost me higher than what I expected. Within that 31 days I was able to ask financial assistance from my father and grandmother and I would also need to subtract some of my salary from my hard earning job as nurse. Maybe I really need to sacrifice this kind of things right now just to be able to get to the place where I really wanted to go. I've been dreaming to work abroad not because I really want to stay there but mainly because of financial reasons and next is because I know I needed to go out of my comfort zone and go to a place where I needed to adjust myself, learn more from there advanced technology and on how to relate with other people with different background and culture. I guess I wasn't really born on being stable, I wanted to risk things, my life just to move around and have an adventurous life.

And so later I will be applying for Dataflow, where they will be assessing all my documents like high school and college diploma, my local and US license and my 2 years of working experience. This is going to be such a memorable day for me. This costed me my time, effort, devotion, patience and perseverance to wait and wait as I grow. And now I will be digging the fruit of my labpr. Will let you know of my next plan! Happy nursing!

Flickering Heart Comes Back

There are times in my life I am silently wishing I haven't felt this deep connection with you. The first time I saw you I am confident with myself enough that I can only see you as my friend, nothing more or less. I had this heart of being open with my secrets and some of which I haven't told anyone. Trusting someone else easily is one of my weakness as I admit, I just don't see it clearly that there can be dangerous effects of giving a part of yourself to be known by someone else, even my problems. So I'd rather hide most of my deep rooted problems to myself, alone in my misery and agony as I consciously built up my military operated heart and told the soldiers of my heart to keep away from all kinds of love especially to the one that can hurt my very vulnerable heart. Focusing to the things that mentally and futuristically solely matters to me. I had my visions backed up with my eager perseverance to achieve good things. But it all changes when that person met my heart with being mistaken as a just a friend. He laughed in my weird thinking, my dreams were shared and my anxieties were slowly revealed. Not letting me know that I was baring my soul naked before him. Those things were not the usual voices I share out in the open. The secrets were spilled, and I really found myself slowly wanting the company of his presence, having to admit that I have now unlocked the doors to my heart again. This was me saying that I have failed to protect my heart. I tried to stay away but I only end up failing. He shown me kindness and had introduced me that there is still chivalry left in this world. Those actions of yours made my heart beat twice at the same time and made me think, am I falling in love with you? Or am I only being selfish since I may like him, yes but only because I needed someone who will protect and care for me. And those are the things he has shown me. But the truth is, I still don't have any love to give. Neither I love myself enough nor the people around me. I still don't feel comfortable being alone with myself. I guess I don't enjoy my own company, so how would I love other people back? I still have to let myself grow and be away from this place where I am right now, I have to find myself and know what I am capable of. What I only know right now is that you have struck my heart like a lightning. I let myself be shown while it's raining hard outside. Not thinking that even though I am confident enough that I won't get into an accident, there is still a chance of being struck. I need to gain back control over my heart, my life, and to love deeply to that special person who loves me more than I love him. I guess I couldn't guard my heart enough no matter what structure of wall I built up around it, no matter how high and thick it is. I won't let myself be a victim again.. but in the end, I know no matter what effort I make I'll end up in this flickering beat of my heart again.