I have treasured all the things you gave me. All the letters, handmade bracelet, handmade flowers, and even the watch you gave me on our second Christmas together. I accidentally found it in my box with some of my college memories, and I found the letters you gave me, I remember telling you to give me letters whenever we meet, in that way you can try to bring back the feelings I have for you (this happened few months before we break up). Cause I do not know how I really feel about you anymore. The days we had during college were all beautiful. We go out and spend time with our friends, I get to have good grades with you as my inspiration. It all started after we graduated, when I get to review and take the board exams not having you by my side. We barely see each other. We would just have ramdom text "Ano gawa mo?" and you would reply "Nood lang ng tv". These were the moments I find it really hard to have fun. And so I passed, and had my first job. You were barely surviving with the allowance your parents gave you and I had my job thereafter. Still, we only get to see each other on Sundays, 5pm to attend service then go home around 8 in the evening. Then, I'm starting to feel really unhappy with you, and have fun with my friends at work since we all have jobs and can watch movies, eat and celebrate during paydays. I was not able to tell you how I really feel, I should have just been honest that I am getting sad around you and I do not know what to do so I asked you to write letters for me, yet, I do not feel the love I really wanted. Maybe we were just kids, whose trying to know what love really means.
He's the little cut in my heart that I feel whenever I think of him. He reminds me of this version of love that is so secure, gentle and in a way made me feel less of me. He smiles shyly, and loves me deeply.
Maybe he will see me someday, so happy with another person I truly love. And when I do see him, I will remember again the pain that I have, because of leaving him for no good reason. I just wish I am mature enough when I was that young to think that I am not yet really serious about our relationship before. We have made memories happy and sad. I know he tried his best to make me happy. But I do not know that time what could really make me happy back then.
I just wish that he found his true love, atlast. He even gets to get married first. But I hope that he does forgive me with whatever pain I have caused him. You wrote to me that you will never let me cry, but in the end, I was the one who really made you sad. Maybe I should just throw all the letters, so that I can totally forget you. But, thank you for all the happy memories we've had, that was true after all. I really felt happy being beside you, especially on our first Christmas together.
Friday, August 9, 2019
From American dream to UK dream!
Most of us Filipinos are fond of the American dream, even I admit that I wanted to go to United States to live the dream with the feeling of being able to do the things I wanna do and that includes buying big sizes of burger and fries, buying some trendy clothes, and being able to travel the world freely without financial constraints. So after graduating, I studied and took the NCLEX-RN exams for New York state, where the empire state building and all the bright lights in the city that never sleeps. My relatives are also in different parts of the US, so I think this is the closest far place where I can feel home.
Unknowingly, this is not where I would end up to be. I took different exams for a different country, and its in the opposite pole of the world, United Kingdom. It did went through so smoothly, until I finally realized that I was meant to be here. European land without any immediate relatives with me, yet I feel peace and contentment in my life. There isn't much place to see as compared with the loads of activities in the states. Then I wondered, Is this where I truly belong? I need to find an answer, and this awakening of my senses, with the calmness of my heart made my steady decision that it is truly a yes. This is where I belong.
Unknowingly, this is not where I would end up to be. I took different exams for a different country, and its in the opposite pole of the world, United Kingdom. It did went through so smoothly, until I finally realized that I was meant to be here. European land without any immediate relatives with me, yet I feel peace and contentment in my life. There isn't much place to see as compared with the loads of activities in the states. Then I wondered, Is this where I truly belong? I need to find an answer, and this awakening of my senses, with the calmness of my heart made my steady decision that it is truly a yes. This is where I belong.
Thursday, August 1, 2019
Bakit nga ba sinisisi parati ang nurse?
Bakit nga ba sinisisi parati ang nurse?
1. Di inasikaso yung pasyente
2. Walang pakielam sa pasyente
3. Pinapalabas sa waiting area
4. Pinapabalik sa OPD sa Lunes (eh Friday pa ngayon)
5. Di daw inasikaso manganganak na
6. Di daw na triage ng maayos
7. Di daw pinansin kanina pa dumating
8. Di tinulungan magpalit ng diaper
9. Pinaghintay daw ng 2-4 hours bago asikasuhin
2. Walang pakielam sa pasyente
3. Pinapalabas sa waiting area
4. Pinapabalik sa OPD sa Lunes (eh Friday pa ngayon)
5. Di daw inasikaso manganganak na
6. Di daw na triage ng maayos
7. Di daw pinansin kanina pa dumating
8. Di tinulungan magpalit ng diaper
9. Pinaghintay daw ng 2-4 hours bago asikasuhin
Realidad sa Pilipinas:
1. Understaff sila 1:30 patients pero kinakaya. Wala eh. Basta mabigyan ko lang sila kung ano kailangan nila wag na mag expect ng therapeutic communication may kailangan akong i-pressure dressing dun oh. Sabay takbo sa kabilang pasyente.
2. Underpaid din. 8,000 monthly walang 13th month, SSS, Philhealth, bonus, OT, contractual pa rin after 3 years puro J.O every 3 months no choice eh kesa volunteer mamili ka?
3. Walang nakaka appreciate samin. Pag teacher ka, dami mong regalo pag teachers day kami wala talaga pramis. Inggitera lang ang peg. Pero minsan may nag tthank you naman samin grabe nakakalambot na talaga ng puso yun.
4. Walang doktor. Meron naman pero isa lang sa buong ospital na may 70+ pasyente tapos gusto mo special treatment ka pa? Iwan yung 70 na pasyente para sayo di ka naman red tag according sa triage namin
5. Walang gamit. Syempre kailangan ng pasyente ng mga spesyalista sa baga- lipat ka ng Lung Center, mataas na bp na di bumababa- lipat ka sa heart center. Nifedipine at Captopril lang kaya naming ibigay sayo. Wala kami ng kailangan mong cardio, pulmo, endo, ortho kaya THOC ka lipat ospital. Hello isa lang kaya cardiac monitor at ECG machine namin! Ginagamit na ng nag aarrest samin at 2 thermometer at 2 bp app! Ang layo ng mararating nito- nakabuhay talaga ng pasyente!
6. O tapos darating ka ba naman kasi sa ospital para umire na lang. Walang check up! Pano kung yung dinadala mo di pala kasya lumabas sa sipitsipitan mo? Eh di kami pa may kasalanan kasi pinilit mong ilabas. Walang ultrasound. Pano kung bawal pala sa NSD yan, or mataas bp mo kailangan ka pa lang ma-CS kala mo lang ganon kadali yun?
7. Nilalagnat na anak mo ng ilang araw di pa pinacheck up tapos pag nag kumbulsyon bigla kang magpapanic. Okay lang naman sakin yun tutulungan parin naman kita kaso pag nagpapanic ka di lang nakakatulong, tulungan mo na lang akong magpunas habang kinakabitan ko sya ng oxygen mask. Eh di win-win pa tayo.
8. Umuubo rin. Hirap huminga. Ilang araw na di man lang pinacheck up nung maaga pa lang. Hinayaang lumala. Nakakalungkot lang kasi nakakaawa talaga yung mga bata infairness.
9. Mag- iinsert ka ng IV porket di mo nainsertan ng isa feeling incompetent ka na dahil may nag "tsk tsk" sa tabi mo. Aawayin ka pa bakit di mainsertan? Eh ikaw kaya mag insert? Araw araw ko tong ginagawa di naman lahat maganda ugat. Pasensya naman. Di ko naman gusto burdahan pasyente mo eh. Gusto ko nga one shot lang ako pero kung di ko kaya ipapasa ko sa mas superior sakin.
10. Basta sa totoo lang, ang dami nyo talaga!! Iilan lang kaming nakaduty di ko kayo kayang puntahan lahat sabay sabay di naman ako octopus! Wag nyo naman kami sisihin kung di ka namin napansin kasi ang daming agaw buhay din sa loob kala mo lang wala kaming ginagawa. Pinagtyagaan na nga namin mag trabaho dito pero di talaga maganda tong profession namin. Walang makaka appreciate samin dito sa Pilipinas. Nabbulok lang talaga sistema ng healthcare dito sa Pilipinas! Oo sige na nga, kami na may kasalanan.
Sabay walk out! Lipad sa UK na lang! Go nurses!
2. Underpaid din. 8,000 monthly walang 13th month, SSS, Philhealth, bonus, OT, contractual pa rin after 3 years puro J.O every 3 months no choice eh kesa volunteer mamili ka?
3. Walang nakaka appreciate samin. Pag teacher ka, dami mong regalo pag teachers day kami wala talaga pramis. Inggitera lang ang peg. Pero minsan may nag tthank you naman samin grabe nakakalambot na talaga ng puso yun.
4. Walang doktor. Meron naman pero isa lang sa buong ospital na may 70+ pasyente tapos gusto mo special treatment ka pa? Iwan yung 70 na pasyente para sayo di ka naman red tag according sa triage namin
5. Walang gamit. Syempre kailangan ng pasyente ng mga spesyalista sa baga- lipat ka ng Lung Center, mataas na bp na di bumababa- lipat ka sa heart center. Nifedipine at Captopril lang kaya naming ibigay sayo. Wala kami ng kailangan mong cardio, pulmo, endo, ortho kaya THOC ka lipat ospital. Hello isa lang kaya cardiac monitor at ECG machine namin! Ginagamit na ng nag aarrest samin at 2 thermometer at 2 bp app! Ang layo ng mararating nito- nakabuhay talaga ng pasyente!
6. O tapos darating ka ba naman kasi sa ospital para umire na lang. Walang check up! Pano kung yung dinadala mo di pala kasya lumabas sa sipitsipitan mo? Eh di kami pa may kasalanan kasi pinilit mong ilabas. Walang ultrasound. Pano kung bawal pala sa NSD yan, or mataas bp mo kailangan ka pa lang ma-CS kala mo lang ganon kadali yun?
7. Nilalagnat na anak mo ng ilang araw di pa pinacheck up tapos pag nag kumbulsyon bigla kang magpapanic. Okay lang naman sakin yun tutulungan parin naman kita kaso pag nagpapanic ka di lang nakakatulong, tulungan mo na lang akong magpunas habang kinakabitan ko sya ng oxygen mask. Eh di win-win pa tayo.
8. Umuubo rin. Hirap huminga. Ilang araw na di man lang pinacheck up nung maaga pa lang. Hinayaang lumala. Nakakalungkot lang kasi nakakaawa talaga yung mga bata infairness.
9. Mag- iinsert ka ng IV porket di mo nainsertan ng isa feeling incompetent ka na dahil may nag "tsk tsk" sa tabi mo. Aawayin ka pa bakit di mainsertan? Eh ikaw kaya mag insert? Araw araw ko tong ginagawa di naman lahat maganda ugat. Pasensya naman. Di ko naman gusto burdahan pasyente mo eh. Gusto ko nga one shot lang ako pero kung di ko kaya ipapasa ko sa mas superior sakin.
10. Basta sa totoo lang, ang dami nyo talaga!! Iilan lang kaming nakaduty di ko kayo kayang puntahan lahat sabay sabay di naman ako octopus! Wag nyo naman kami sisihin kung di ka namin napansin kasi ang daming agaw buhay din sa loob kala mo lang wala kaming ginagawa. Pinagtyagaan na nga namin mag trabaho dito pero di talaga maganda tong profession namin. Walang makaka appreciate samin dito sa Pilipinas. Nabbulok lang talaga sistema ng healthcare dito sa Pilipinas! Oo sige na nga, kami na may kasalanan.
Sabay walk out! Lipad sa UK na lang! Go nurses!
Thursday, September 17, 2015
A Puerto Princesa Paradise
I am being swerved as I wait in this high elevation to lower and eventually fall in it's right place. This was me in an airplane for the very first time. I am caught of trying to be in awe in the vast sea of clouds against trying to calm down and act like this is nothing but like im only in one of my random travels. We are going back to my homeland, to the place I grew up and went everywhere across the points of walls not going anywhere outside the place called Manila.
It's time for me to break free and feel the oceans waves across the different places. I wanted to create my own journey, where I would learn and love the new ones. Traveling is one of my dreams to conquer, places I would have never imagined and yet in my hands reach.
The surreal collection of the paradise I once been at becomes vivid in my head. Randomly thinking the best moments and replaying it in my mind and in my heart the burst of my emotion when I was once frightened by the black fishes in the island of Palawan known as Honda bay. They swam briskly as if trying to capture me with their small but strong fins. The ocean doesn't want to keep still and I am enjoying the taste of the underwater saltness up to the point of feeling full after drinking the salt sea water. The googles helped me cleared my eyes away from redness but the sun directly watches over me that it hurts for him overprotecting me but i myself wanted to stay away but I just couldn't, i just embraced it instead.
Reminiscing is now a part of my everyday encounter after a few days of my precious encounter in the beautiful sights in the garden of Palawan. I was captured by their fondness love for their land, the locals are heart warmingly welcoming me as I enter in their mainland.
As I turn away, I will always look back to the wonderful memories Palawan has created in my life. This things I will always feel accomplished, not because of what the things I do and don't have but because of the experience that will last in my lifetime..
Reminiscing is now a part of my everyday encounter after a few days of my precious encounter in the beautiful sights in the garden of Palawan. I was captured by their fondness love for their land, the locals are heart warmingly welcoming me as I enter in their mainland.
As I turn away, I will always look back to the wonderful memories Palawan has created in my life. This things I will always feel accomplished, not because of what the things I do and don't have but because of the experience that will last in my lifetime..
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Beautiful Heart
So here I am, feeling the sparks of love firing my heart totally unbeatable by my mind's comprehension. Why am I battling to a fight where I can't seen to think that I have a slight chance of winning? Will there ever be a peace in my heart after all of this. Yes, I have already said it before that he had struck my heart after he has shown me all kinds of kindness. Am I only waiting in vain for him to tell it to me properly on how he really feels about me.
It was a bright day for me to finish my job while he and my other co workers are going to receive our endorsement of our 5 patients lying in bed. I suddenly blurted out loud that I needed to stay longer for work and suddenly a low pitched voice awakens my soul asking why. I explained myself that I am so eager to finish all the requirements needed like a certificate of employment that needs to be signed. And here he was told me if I wanted him to do it instead. I agreed with him doing a favor for me and said thank you for being grateful. It was the start of our beautiful conversations that made me really happy. We both shared our dreams, fears and the twist in our lives. I can feel the glow in my eyes whenever I see him even though I wanted to stop so I won't get caught. I invited him if he wanted to go with me as we make our dreams come true-- to work abroad as a successful nurse. He then agreed so I invited him to go process our papers. That day come, I was so eager to make myself prettier than ever. I plucked and cleaned my eyebrows, had some exercise done to flatten my stomach and a pedicure to groom my non growing nails. It was then when I saw him again that I felt he looked at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't know what's in his eyes that charms and mesmerizes me a lot.
Our conversation continued as we talked about our past, the days when we were still a student. I even forgot the school he went which he mentioned to me a long time ago. I was so eager to know him more. He accompanied me to the things I needed to do and so am I to him. We walked along the roads of university belt along with the other college students looking for a perfect place to eat. I was waiting for him to decide on which place, he gave me an idea he wanted to eat rice and so we did. I never knew what to eat- maybe except for chicken, which I didn't choose after all. He paid for my dinner and I don't know if I would consider this as a date, which I still did without him knowing. He shown me his graduation photo as what we've talked about before meeting each other. I laughed in his awkward poses of his innocent look of his childhood. The laughter we've had is unbeatable happiness I've felt, I guess this was my first conversation after all with a decent and mature man who would look at me in my face when we eat and open his whole heart to me.
He walked me until the train because of some of his errands and this was the last time we talked, the time when he bid goodbye and said take care. I still have some work to do and didn't hear anything from him anymore until this day. Sadness slowly creeps into my heart, and I am becoming weary and tired of waiting. Thinking if there's still a chance he would tell me how he really feels or am I the only one dreaming that we could be together despite of the fact that reality didn't match us that well because of our shortcomings. Until when should I wait and see if he'll be honest enough to admit that I wasn't the only one who felt the way I did. This beautiful heart of mine now becomes the agony waiting to be buried in the graveyard along with the dreams of being pursued, cherished and loved. The stolen heart of mine is yet to be caught, maybe not anymore. This heart of mine which I treasured long enough has just been broken and left alone, my beautiful heart no more..
It was a bright day for me to finish my job while he and my other co workers are going to receive our endorsement of our 5 patients lying in bed. I suddenly blurted out loud that I needed to stay longer for work and suddenly a low pitched voice awakens my soul asking why. I explained myself that I am so eager to finish all the requirements needed like a certificate of employment that needs to be signed. And here he was told me if I wanted him to do it instead. I agreed with him doing a favor for me and said thank you for being grateful. It was the start of our beautiful conversations that made me really happy. We both shared our dreams, fears and the twist in our lives. I can feel the glow in my eyes whenever I see him even though I wanted to stop so I won't get caught. I invited him if he wanted to go with me as we make our dreams come true-- to work abroad as a successful nurse. He then agreed so I invited him to go process our papers. That day come, I was so eager to make myself prettier than ever. I plucked and cleaned my eyebrows, had some exercise done to flatten my stomach and a pedicure to groom my non growing nails. It was then when I saw him again that I felt he looked at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't know what's in his eyes that charms and mesmerizes me a lot.
Our conversation continued as we talked about our past, the days when we were still a student. I even forgot the school he went which he mentioned to me a long time ago. I was so eager to know him more. He accompanied me to the things I needed to do and so am I to him. We walked along the roads of university belt along with the other college students looking for a perfect place to eat. I was waiting for him to decide on which place, he gave me an idea he wanted to eat rice and so we did. I never knew what to eat- maybe except for chicken, which I didn't choose after all. He paid for my dinner and I don't know if I would consider this as a date, which I still did without him knowing. He shown me his graduation photo as what we've talked about before meeting each other. I laughed in his awkward poses of his innocent look of his childhood. The laughter we've had is unbeatable happiness I've felt, I guess this was my first conversation after all with a decent and mature man who would look at me in my face when we eat and open his whole heart to me.
He walked me until the train because of some of his errands and this was the last time we talked, the time when he bid goodbye and said take care. I still have some work to do and didn't hear anything from him anymore until this day. Sadness slowly creeps into my heart, and I am becoming weary and tired of waiting. Thinking if there's still a chance he would tell me how he really feels or am I the only one dreaming that we could be together despite of the fact that reality didn't match us that well because of our shortcomings. Until when should I wait and see if he'll be honest enough to admit that I wasn't the only one who felt the way I did. This beautiful heart of mine now becomes the agony waiting to be buried in the graveyard along with the dreams of being pursued, cherished and loved. The stolen heart of mine is yet to be caught, maybe not anymore. This heart of mine which I treasured long enough has just been broken and left alone, my beautiful heart no more..
Thursday, July 30, 2015
It's time for HAAD!
Good morning world! I'm feeling this would be a great day for me. I woke up around 9 am and I still haven't taken my breakfast yet, maybe it's because I'm kinda starving myself to have a flatter abs. Lol! But I'll be eating soon after I post this blog.
The truth is I have been waiting for this day where I'll be totally prepared for my HAAD application. I've been to Human Resource Department in Kapitolyo, Antipolo as soon as I finished my contract and to be able to request for a Certificate of Employment with no fear of being disappointed anymore. Since I had my well deserved certificate, I proceeded immediately to a known service agency that processes Dataflow and HAAD application. Soon as I got there, I paid for there service fee eventhough I'm still lacking some of the important documents like PRC Certificate of Good Moral Standing and Certificate of Employment of specific hospitals I've been.
Now is the 31st day of the month and after counting 31 days, I've successfully completed all the requirements and most especially the financial one, since this would cost me higher than what I expected. Within that 31 days I was able to ask financial assistance from my father and grandmother and I would also need to subtract some of my salary from my hard earning job as nurse. Maybe I really need to sacrifice this kind of things right now just to be able to get to the place where I really wanted to go. I've been dreaming to work abroad not because I really want to stay there but mainly because of financial reasons and next is because I know I needed to go out of my comfort zone and go to a place where I needed to adjust myself, learn more from there advanced technology and on how to relate with other people with different background and culture. I guess I wasn't really born on being stable, I wanted to risk things, my life just to move around and have an adventurous life.
And so later I will be applying for Dataflow, where they will be assessing all my documents like high school and college diploma, my local and US license and my 2 years of working experience. This is going to be such a memorable day for me. This costed me my time, effort, devotion, patience and perseverance to wait and wait as I grow. And now I will be digging the fruit of my labpr. Will let you know of my next plan! Happy nursing!
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Flickering Heart Comes Back
There are times in my life I am silently wishing I haven't felt this deep connection with you. The first time I saw you I am confident with myself enough that I can only see you as my friend, nothing more or less. I had this heart of being open with my secrets and some of which I haven't told anyone. Trusting someone else easily is one of my weakness as I admit, I just don't see it clearly that there can be dangerous effects of giving a part of yourself to be known by someone else, even my problems. So I'd rather hide most of my deep rooted problems to myself, alone in my misery and agony as I consciously built up my military operated heart and told the soldiers of my heart to keep away from all kinds of love especially to the one that can hurt my very vulnerable heart. Focusing to the things that mentally and futuristically solely matters to me. I had my visions backed up with my eager perseverance to achieve good things. But it all changes when that person met my heart with being mistaken as a just a friend. He laughed in my weird thinking, my dreams were shared and my anxieties were slowly revealed. Not letting me know that I was baring my soul naked before him. Those things were not the usual voices I share out in the open. The secrets were spilled, and I really found myself slowly wanting the company of his presence, having to admit that I have now unlocked the doors to my heart again. This was me saying that I have failed to protect my heart. I tried to stay away but I only end up failing. He shown me kindness and had introduced me that there is still chivalry left in this world. Those actions of yours made my heart beat twice at the same time and made me think, am I falling in love with you? Or am I only being selfish since I may like him, yes but only because I needed someone who will protect and care for me. And those are the things he has shown me. But the truth is, I still don't have any love to give. Neither I love myself enough nor the people around me. I still don't feel comfortable being alone with myself. I guess I don't enjoy my own company, so how would I love other people back? I still have to let myself grow and be away from this place where I am right now, I have to find myself and know what I am capable of. What I only know right now is that you have struck my heart like a lightning. I let myself be shown while it's raining hard outside. Not thinking that even though I am confident enough that I won't get into an accident, there is still a chance of being struck. I need to gain back control over my heart, my life, and to love deeply to that special person who loves me more than I love him. I guess I couldn't guard my heart enough no matter what structure of wall I built up around it, no matter how high and thick it is. I won't let myself be a victim again.. but in the end, I know no matter what effort I make I'll end up in this flickering beat of my heart again.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)